Sacred Cow Code Of Ethics
Greetings My Fellow Herd
Member ( Insert Your Name Here ) :
As a founding member of the Order
Of The Sacred Cow (OSC) let me be the first to welcome
you ( once again, insert your name here ) to our
herd. We have a long and varied history of
mental and emotional problems, trouble and laziness and
we’re always happy to have new members join us.
And since we know you’re
worthless, it won’t cost you a thing.
Our members have been at the
forefront of slacker laziness for many years now, and
we’re constantly doing whatever we can to further the
rights of losers everywhere.
Now please lift your left leg and
repeat after me: I (state your name) will hereby
abide by the Sacred Cow Code Of Ethics and will do my
best everyday to fulfill at least one of the following;
but certainly not limited to;
• The right of sleeping till noon
on a Wednesday
• The right to ‘forget’ to shave (face arms legs or
pits)
• The right of alternating shower days
• The right to work for less than one hour and call it a
day
• The right to do crossword puzzles while working
without fear of ridicule from your
family or friends
As a proud new member of the Order
Of The Sacred Cow Society, you will find that all of us
here are willing to give you whatever help you may need
in adjusting to your new life. A few examples of some of
our free services are;
• Hours of useless and meaningless
chatting over the internet with any of our members
• A pamphlet on how to receive welfare even if you don’t
deserve it
• Special grooming tips for the lazy and uninsured
• Special deals on video game systems with which you can
waste hours or even
DAYS of your worthless life
• A free copy of Hugo Sleepmoore’s NY Times’ bestseller
‘101 Ways To Put Off For
Tomorrow What Should Have Been Done Today’
• A membership card and pledge pin with a color picture
of you sleeping on the
couch & drooling
• Discounts at the government cheese outlet
• And much, much more!
We know that you’re scared of your
new life of worthlessness and laziness, but we want you
to know that we’re here to help. If you need anything,
anything at all, you just call us at 1-900-SACRED-COW
and we’ll be sure to get to your call right after we
finish this game of checkers. Please Note: Calls are
$2,000 for the first ten minutes on hold and $500 for
every minute thereafter.
Remember, as an official member of
the Sacred Cow Society you are part of an elite group of
do-nothing idiots with no real future or aspirations. Be
proud and wear your pledge pin with pride.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, copying
and pasting this form letter into this web page is more
work than I’ve done in 16 years and I need a break. And
anyway, it’s time for Letterman. He’s really funny when
you’re drunk, y’ know?
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