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 Sacred Cow Code Of Ethics

Greetings My Fellow Herd Member ( Insert Your Name Here ) :

As a founding member of the Order Of The Sacred Cow (OSC) let me be the first to welcome you ( once again, insert your name here )  to our herd. We have a long and varied history of mental and emotional  problems, trouble and laziness and we’re always happy to have new members join us.

And since we know you’re worthless, it won’t cost you a thing.

Our members have been at the forefront of slacker laziness for many years now, and we’re constantly doing whatever we can to further the rights of losers everywhere.

Now please lift your left leg and repeat after me:  I (state your name) will hereby abide by the Sacred Cow Code Of Ethics and will do my best everyday to fulfill at least one of the following; but certainly not limited to;

• The right of sleeping till noon on a Wednesday
• The right to ‘forget’ to shave (face arms legs or pits)
• The right of alternating shower days
• The right to work for less than one hour and call it a day
• The right to do crossword puzzles while working  without fear of ridicule from your
    family or friends

As a proud new member of the Order Of The Sacred Cow Society, you will find that all of us here are willing to give you whatever help you may need in adjusting to your new life. A few examples of some of our free services are;

• Hours of useless and meaningless chatting over the internet with any of our members
• A pamphlet on how to receive welfare even if you don’t deserve it
• Special grooming tips for the lazy and uninsured
• Special deals on video game systems with which you can waste hours or even
   DAYS of your  worthless life
• A free copy of Hugo Sleepmoore’s NY Times’ bestseller ‘101 Ways To Put Off For
  Tomorrow What Should Have Been Done Today’
• A membership card and pledge pin with a color picture of you sleeping on the
   couch & drooling
• Discounts at the government cheese outlet
• And much, much more!

We know that you’re scared of your new life of worthlessness and laziness, but we want you to know that we’re here to help. If you need anything, anything at all, you just call us at 1-900-SACRED-COW and we’ll be sure to get to your call right after we finish this game of checkers. Please Note: Calls are $2,000 for the first ten minutes on hold and $500 for every minute thereafter.

Remember, as an official member of the Sacred Cow Society you are part of an elite group of do-nothing idiots with no real future or aspirations. Be proud and wear your pledge pin with pride.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, copying and pasting this form letter into this web page is more work than I’ve done in 16 years and I need a break. And anyway, it’s time for Letterman. He’s really funny when you’re drunk, y’ know?


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